Nesusy, The Legend That Would Not Die.

One question that keeps coming to me when I watch the human race in action is "How can we survive". Scientist always tell us that our ability to reason is what sets us apart from all other animals. So spending millions of dollars on research projects, creating institutes and clubs to find a creature that isn't there is reasonable? After scanning the loch with sonar and training cameras on the lake around the clock without success a group of people still think Nessy is in there somewhere. Of course there is the commercial aspect to this as well. If you want a stuffed Nessy animal it's there for you. With new theories about dinosaur colors they could make different versions. "Well we have the basic green replica, but we also have purple for you Barney fans and of course the striped Nessy to reflect the most recent theories of dinosaur coloration. Don't forget each animal comes with a authentic Nessy cry built into the animal". Now that's reasonable. Maybe Nessy is an alien.

Why I Don't Want To Be A Criminal

You have to wonder sometimes if people can really be a dumb as they appear. I love to watch reality police shows. One that I recently viewed showed clips from video surveillance camera. Of course, in the clips, were individuals that were somewhat less than clever. In general they were falling out of ceilings and covering their head, but not their face to avoid being recognized. Obviously they are not showing the more astute criminals that got away, but still I wonder can anyone be that stupid? How about the criminals in this article. So you drive down the road without your seat belts on and a car load of stolen credit cards, checks and ID's. Nothing like drawing your attention to yourself. What were these two thinking? It never ceases to amaze me that, even when caught red handed, thieves will deny they were doing anything. One show used a car as bait for thieves. They parked the car in a place it would likely be stolen and then waited. Unfortunately for the unsuspecting criminals once they were down the street a piece the engine was shut off and the doors automatically locked. Sort of like a roach hotel (perfect analogy). I will never forget one guy who fell into the trap. Once the police caught up to the jail on wheels he said "I didn't do anything". Oh you were walking by the car and it sucked you in and drove off with you inside, right? Who wants to be on a list of people with a fleet of cars with radios and guns and computer systems that work with other people in other places that have the same stuff? What about people who take video of themselves committing crimes. "OK, everyone ready. This will be take one. Ready, commit the crime!!!." Like the two that rammed a van into a tree and then collected the insurance money to pay off a debt. Did I mention they video taped the event. Maybe they just wanted to have a memento of the cherished vehicle. To bad it fell into the hands of a disgruntled ex-spouse. Wouldn't it just be safer to obey the law?

Are You Nervous Yet?

You could say that people are what they are regardless of what they do, but there is something quite disturbing about an astronaut that wigs out. I'm a baby boomer and growing up when I did meant there are a few things that you hold sacred. Astronauts, police and firemen were icons of my youth. Now I have to look over my shoulder and wonder who is going to go postal next. I suppose our astronaut has a good case for insanity. Let's face it flying around in space isn't exactly your normal occupation. Who knows, Martians could be pelting the space shuttle with crazy rays. It could be a good defense. What were you thinking when you drove all that way to confront the "Other Woman". "Well your honor it was the Martians. I saw rays coming from Mars and it made me feel a little funny and before I new it I was in Florida waring my space diaper". What is going on in this world. Maybe it was the fluoride in the water. I'm starting to look over my shoulder, under my car and in and in my under ware drawer. Some of my neighbors get in fist fights right on their front lawns. The husband usually loses. If they wave and say hi I feel like diving behind a tree. You start to back away from little old ladies. "Sonny could you help me with......."OK LADY HERE IS MY WALLET. JUST DON'T SHOOT". Personally I think all those elderly people that claim to have missed the brake and hit the gas are just failed ram raid attempts. How about cops robbing banks. All the training on catching bank robbers and all the radios, guns, amour and forensics that are put into catching them and a cop thinks he can beat the system. There is a problem with the thought process there. Something like trying to go through the door before opening it. I have a feeling that the Darwin Awards are going to expand significantly in the near future.

Need Signs.

I let my imagination run away with me sometimes. I see signs in various places that need explanation or a few additional words to bring out the real meaning. Like "Under New Management" which I change to "Under New Management with the same old crappy policies". "Wait help wanted" like I need help waiting. "All You Can Eat or as much of this swill as you can get down". "I have an Honor Roll student at Oakland County Jail". If anyone has got some others I would like to see them.

To Nigeria With Love

A New Look At Senority

Stop The Light Is Green

I went to a meeting this morning and it was a long drive and everyone was driving like they had just stopped at Micky D's and had to juggle coffee that was as hot as the surface of the sun and unborn chicken mcmuffin. Maybe I am being a bit too critical expecting people to know the difference between the brake and the gas pedal. Maybe we should rethink the term gas pedal. With the price of gas draining our bank accounts and loan offices opening in gas stations we should reposition our thought process. People could have an aversion to "Stepping on the gas". We could call it the "go" pedal or the "achieving our dreams" pedal. You could call it anything. How about "Launching Britney Spears into space" pedal. The auto companies could get into a whole new wave of customization. You could put the pictures of your least liked sub-humans on the pedals. Quick hit the Michael Jackson and let's get out of here. You could even have his nose fall off. I have my own theory of why my drive quality has taken a serious nose dive. A few years back the government had a great money saving idea. Close the nut houses and let everyone out. I think they gave everyone a drivers license on their last day. "Here's your license thanks for staying with us". "Here is your license, let us know how you are doing, remember to pay attention to the traffic signals and take your medicine". "Remember George W is for stop and George W is for go".

Everything has a downside.

God Save us from the Media

I will never forget listening to the news radio and hearing the reporter proclaim that one of the major auto companies is producing a new six cylinder V8. What is it with the facts and the media. They are like the opposite ends of a magnet. Anytime they get close together they push away. It must be some kind of physics thing. Like brains opposing intelligence. Another time I heard a reporter ask the inevitable question after a plane crash. "How did you feel about that?"
Oh I felt great, nothing like a plan crash to start out the day. Loss of life, death, dismemberment, yep. Gives you that warm and fuzzy feeling.
Where do these media people get these intelligent questions. They must get up in the morning and look in the mirror and ask themselves "What stupid question can I ask today? What if one of the other TV reporters asks a question better or more rediculous than mine?" Think about the Weather reporters job. They are usually wrong and they don't get fired or sued. Did I mention they get paid lots of money as well? One of our local TV reporters was arrested for driving the wrong way down the expressway, which the competing TV stations were quick to point out. She was back on the air in about two weeks, acting serious and probably not covering drunk driving stories. I wonder if it is an unwritten rule. If you get caught doing something you can't report on it. How about reporting on yourself. Just bring the camera along with you and whenever do something of note, just do a story on it while you are in the process. "Here I wam Bell going beast bound in the wes boun wanes. Dis is a goot exam..exam..shoot you know mean, of what a little drinky winky can do to mess up your driving. Here its somethin else. I see blue spots in my eyss". See ya!!!!

Don't Piss Off The Aliens!

I always like to look at things from both sides. For instance I was watching a movie last night about a creature from another planet that was brought back in a spaceship from Venus. He was still in its' cocoon or something, but eventually was born into this alien world. So what is the first thing we do? Slap the creature in a cage and cart it off for study. Then we find it grows uncontrollably because of something in our atmosphere. So what is the logical thing to do. Shoot it with a gun and stab it with a pitch fork. Welcome to earth.We hope you enjoy your time here, which won't be very long. It's time for your initiation. Then we clever earth people find out that we can't kill it that way so we shoot it a lot more. We finally gain control of it with electric current so we can study this amazing creature. Now keep in mind this creature doesn't eat people or animals and only attacks when it is attacked. Sort of like most animals on this planet, but it isn't from this planet. As usual someone cuts the current and the, now, gigantic creature wakes up and tries to make his escape. In keep with our policy of making it feel welcome we chase it with tanks, bazookas and, of course, the army. Now look at this from the other side. What would they on the creatures planet. Let's personalize this a little and call him Phil. "Did you hear what happened to Phil? He was abducted by aliens and taken to their planet and he got sick and grew to ten times his normal size. Then they locked him in a cage and didn't feed him. When he escaped they chased him down and killed him. We had better keep on our guard. We could be invaded by Earthlings"."Now you know there is no such thing as Earthlings".

Is anyone normal?

Billy Mays

Have you ever wanted to grab a TV spokesperson by the neck and squeeze. Billy Mays brings that urge out in me. I'm sure he grabs the attention of most people. The only thing I want to grab is the remote to turn him off. It's a sweet feeling when he disappears off the screen and peace and solitude return. Sometimes I day dream about taking the indespencable jar opener and putting it on Billy's head and twisting until he promises to whisper in all the commercials. What kills me the most is his probable income. This guy is probably pulling down some big bucks. So he is getting paid to irritate me. So here is my chance to get my digs in. Billy, you and me and the jar opener. You are on notice.

Space Their Final Frontier

Isn't it ironic that the people that get to go out into space are the ones we want to bring back. Look at the anxiety,work and hope that went into bringing Apollo 13 back to us. I could think of about 13 people that we could send and no one,well almost no one, would care if they ever came back. Of course there would be decenters..................we could send them too, problem solved. I could enjoy this. Let me strap them in the rocket. Shoot who needs straps they aren't coming back anyway. Here you go Mikey, a banana and bottle of water. Save the water until you are almost there. I understand it's really hot on the sun. Do what you want with the banana, although I can imagine. No need for testing equipment. Hey, if is doesn't work, NEXT! We'll get it right eventually. Hey George got anything going next week. How about an all expense paid trip.

Hard Times

Means serves the end

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Welcome to Corporate America

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